For a very long time as an adolescent/young adult, I was petrified of water. Part of this I attribute to the fact that growing up in upstate NY when I was in middle and high school, several kids I knew drowned in watering holes, or suffered head injuries due to falling off of cliffs. But I think it was bigger than that. A dark, murky lake, swimming with unseen creatures. Their teeth and their scales. The unknown depth of the local reservoir, under the bridge.
Change and newness and the unknown are terrifying and at times painful, especially when thrust onto us abruptly. But, as the cyclical nature of tarot constantly reminds me, the possibility of a fresh start can be intoxicating and refreshing. I spent several years of adolescence avoiding the swimming holes, the reservoir, the lake water. But before going away to college, I put on a swim suit and drove to the reservoir. I climbed up and stood on the ledge of the low bridge and looked into the black water. I don’t remember what called me to do it, but I jumped. The water was thick and cold and slimy and weighed on me from all directions. My feet hit the rocky bottom, and I realized it was much more shallow than I had initially expected. It wasn’t particularly exciting or fun, I didn’t feel a rush of blood to my head, I didn’t feel like a new woman, or like a baptism. I did it though. I tried. I now knew I could, and that it would be okay.
Moving on has been a huge theme for me over the past few weeks. Leaving jobs, toxic people, apartments, mistakes, misconceptions about myself in the past. Cutting myself off and being cut off without being ready. Forced to jump in and out of new situations without having time to process. I am realizing that I am always more capable, adaptable, ready than I let myself believe. I can do it myself, and do it well. I can help myself. I can move on. I hope you are feeling that lately, too.
I hope you enjoy this playlist while you chill, reflect, journal, take a walk under the stars. Bathe with salt and crystals. Howl at the moon.
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